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Does Life Move Forward...... [Aug. 18th, 2013|07:53 pm]
That aint important...
[Current Location |home]
[Current Mood |disappointed, depressed, yet determined to get her back]
[Current Music |Stronger by Kayne West]

It's almost been a week with Mariah. It seems like forever. I went to church today and felt void and numb. I feel stuck....like I can't move.

IMG_0291

A huge part of my life was taken from me. The love of my life....

Mariah was my woman, companion, love, and potential wife. I fought long and hard to secure her love for me. I still love her. Yet, I feel numb.... It's a dull feeling that words can not explain. Most of the people who care about me say forget her. They say she's playing with my heart. A siren that gets joy from the torment of men. I don't know what to believe. She loved me less than a month ago. Yet, she drifted off less than a month ago. Last we talked, she said she still loves and cares for me. Yet, I do not know whether it is true or false. I don't know what to feel. I am angry yet sad. I am bitter yet lonely. I do not want to love yet I still and always will love her.

I had a dream that she texted me saying the man she was with was 10x the man I ever was. She said I was weak and pathetic for continuously chasing her. She cursed me and said I was damned to a life of a self-inflicted hell. Then the worst part happened......the phone went blank. I woke in sweat and tears wondering why was the burden put on me. Why must I continue to suffer? Why must I be the stepping stone for a woman to get closer to the one she is supposed to marry. I have continuously fell and hurt myself too many times to count. Yet, still I rise....

I still love you sweet Mariah....
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Love Life and Bitterness [Aug. 15th, 2013|06:53 pm]
That aint important...
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |How Do I Say Goodbye to Yesterday]

It's been awhile since I've posted anything on here. Having been some 7 to 8 years, I've grown as a person. There are experiences I can only begin to explain that have forced me to see life for what it truly is. Considering that I have continuously tried to find love and happiness with some 28 women within a ten year span, I have become tired. I've always asked myself "Why do they like 'bad' guys?" as well as "Why can't I find true love and happiness" and still have yet to find an answer. All I've every wanted was to love and be loved. Life's frustrations have pushed me to a limit which I thought I'd never reach. I have continued seeking an answer but each time I try I get nothing.

I am at a state of confusion....
I held a knife to my chest today in an attempt to end it all. I begged that God take it from my hands and show me the way to true love and happiness. The knife fell from my hands> I regained my composure. I grabbed my phone and started calling for help..... And it was all because of my love for Mariah.

Mariah was my love for the past 3 years. She was the closest I've ever got to marrying someone. Beautiful, fiesty, intelligent, witty, caring, God fearing..... However, because of miscommunication, the bane of most of my relationships, she broke up with me. Because she lost interest. Because I took her to look at engagement rings and didn't get her one then and there. Because she thought that I was stringing her along rather than saving up all I could to propose to her. I fought for her heart even when I was tired. She was the love of my life....the air I breathed....my sky, sun, moon, and stars.

She didn't want to marry me anymore.....

Another man was introduced into the equation. Apparently he got her attention, despite she and I being together. It hurts.....to have thought that you found the love of your life and have it snatched from you. Why God? Why does this continuously happen to me? I love her.....yet it seems that she doesn't love me....
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Love and Sex [Jun. 12th, 2006|05:10 am]
That aint important...
[Current Location |home]
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Current Music |the tv]

Can't sleep again. I hear the birds chirping outside of my house. The sky goes from pitch black with glitters here and there to one of a bluish white complex. Another day begins....and I'm sooner or later gonna take my active ass to bed. Hmm... Seems as though I had a little too much caffeine.

I still lead the life of a "loner" or "lone wolf" with little difficulty now. I have come to accept it. It give me time to hone in on me. I know I am different from those who are around me. I know my life will not be normal somehow, I believe the Lord has a special plan in mind for my life. Otherwise I would not be going thru this. However, something has been disturbing me for sometime.... Two main things: Sex and Love.

Sex is defined as "intercourse involving genital contact between individuals other than penetration of the vagina by the penis". During this time, much effort is put forth for one to acheive what is known as an orgasm, a brief period of what I call "pleasuring emptiness". Some individuals put much emotion into this moment of interaction between people. People like me use it to ultimately express ourselves to selected individuals of how we feel about this. Others selfishly just try to get off.

The act of sex has been abused for quite sometime. Today people use it casually as though it was just some everyday thing. This has led to much heartache to people. I, myself, am one who has ceaselessly been hurt by the actions of others. I have brief vision quite frequently of the women I have loved having loud, rough, and furious sex with their newlyfound(and sometimes renewed) boyfriends/friends/partners. It torments me day by day because of this act. It's as though they didn't care what I would feel afterwards. Tortured, tormented, disgusted, and deprided, I move on. They literally hurt me...cut deeply....badly. Then again, after it was done to me, I repeated the cycle. No I didn't cheat on anyone. But to go with your ex-girlfriend's best friend isn't anything better. And then my ex tries to say I am wrong....although I know I was. What makes her mistake any better. I will not play this blaming game. I am a little over that level of maturity.

It is taught in Christianity that one should wait till they have married before having sex. Many of us nowadays have neglected this teaching. All have paid for their choice, be it good or bad. And thought people do not pay attention, there is a reason for this. Imagine all the pain and frustration you wouldn't encounter.

Love is a pure emotion. It is defined by one's actions rather than words from the dictionary. Untainted...pure... Even though the purest of things are also the deadliest. It makes you do the craziest things. Yet, it drives you to do what is needed even in the most harsh times. I really can't define love....

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
1st Corinthians 13:4-8

I read it and wonder...have I ever loved? Am I too distant from humankind that my emotions don't exist? The only love I've experieced is God's love. How do I know this? Well, for one, it drives me to go on...even in the most distressing times. He loved me so much that He sacrificed His Son, Jesus, for idiotic mistakes. Then again...there's my parents' love. But anyway, nothing is certain in this world. That's why I said I wonder if I have truly experienced this "love" with another. My time will come. The thing is what will I do with it when it gets there.

The sky is brightening. The sun is starting to show. It's time to return to the shadow....until I am rested. Till next time......
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desperate [May. 14th, 2006|01:44 am]
That aint important...
[Current Location |home sweet home...for the summer]
[Current Mood |awake]
[Current Music |the humming of my computer]

Something I've come to understand is people and being human. It's involving emotion, desire, knowledge, experience, and many other things that would take me all night to explain. Tonight, since I can't sleep AGAIN, I shall focus on one: Being Desperate.

The samurai, ancient military warriors of Japan and followers of Bushido and Budo, were feared by many. People would say that these men could channel a rage of that of Satan. Once that set their eyes on the target, nothing else matter. Their life revolved around defeating that target. It was thru this that their skills increased. They also found their worth as a warrior by challenging someone else(usually someone greater than them). However, like I said before, they were feared as opponents.

The shinobi(literally translated as "shadow warrior") or ninja, were feared among all. Forced to find a way to defend themselves since weapons were outlawed, the shinobi prevailed in most of their daily challenges. Most associated these warriors of shadow with darkness. Their fighting skills were often compared that of a cornered, wounded, and experience panther(or wild animal). Some though they were demons because of their ruthlessness in fighting. They were said to jump from rooftop to rooftop....slaying all who were their opponents. They were said to disappear instantly on the battlefield leaving their opponent confused and open for attack. But still, again, they were feared for their fighting ability.

What would drive a man/woman to this sense of urgency? I personally believe it is desperation.
For one, I use to study some of the philosophies and techniques of ninjutsu, the art of invisibility. One thing I found was that the shinobi was often placed in a hostile environment. It was due to this urgency that they became desperate. It was either a successful mission or face the shame of defeat( which is to be defined as a psychological death). Thru defeat, they would commit ryuku seppaku(it's been awhile since I've since this term so forgive me if I misspelled it) which means "ritual suicide" or "belly slicing". By stabbing themselves in a critical region of the body, they would die(either a quick or a painful death....depends on where they aimed the blade and if they missed). Anyway, desperation set this men(women ninja were known as kunoichi) in a position where they had to use what they knew and use it creatively. It was desperation which honed their fighting techniques to their core. The pressure of dying or defeat set them in a tone of win or lose. There is no draw.

Desperate opponents are nothing to play with. Some feel as though they have nothing to lose. Others feel like they can't afford to lose and put their very life/reputation/whatever the hell they use on the line. They are determined to either come out safely or leave scars, bruises or even death upon their opponent.

Some of the worlds greatest individuals, I believe, have used this characteristic of life to drive them forward. It was thru this that George Washington sailed the Delaware. It was thru this that civil rights leaders Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X drove forward to take action against racism. It was thru this that a biblical character(can't remember his name...he was quite the playboy) cried out to the Lord, broke the chains that binded him, and ultimately lived out God's purpose in his life when he took down the building which housed his enemy.

Man can find great things by using the most negative attributes of their charater. By accepting and embracing the fear, one can drive himself/herself to do great things. How do you channel it? Well, that's something you have to find out. I will say this: I've found myself progressing a lot quicker when I put myself in a desperate situation. Ask me how I'm making it as a double major(outside of the Lord watching over me and guiding me)!
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Right and Wrong [Apr. 23rd, 2006|08:16 pm]
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[Current Location |Rober]

What is right and wrong in this world? How can one decide what is truly righteous today? How can you go about trying to do what's right when you don't know what's right? Even at a young age, parents try to teach their children the difference between right and wrong. However, they only can teach what they've been taught. This includes the different views teach from the Bible. I still ponder on this. I'll get back to this thought at another time.
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Musicians [Apr. 15th, 2006|04:20 pm]
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[Current Location |home]
[Current Music |History Channel...story of Adam and Eve]

Something that I've figured out today is that we as musicians are some of the most sensitive beings on the planet. We tend to try and get the best of everything...even if it is a bad situation. I saw some of my colleagues just the other day. It was a hot(89 degrees) day. And they literally were on a picnic on the lawn outside of the music building. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. So, if they can enjoy a "bad" situation, why can't I?

I seem to try and analyze anything and everything. A sunny day might be dangerous because of UV Rays or dehydration. Why can't I just enjoy life for what it is? Pray for me ya'll....
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Truth [Apr. 7th, 2006|10:38 pm]
That aint important...
[Current Location |home sweet home...]
[Current Mood |moodymoody]
[Current Music |"All Blues" by Miles Davis and John Coltrane]

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness"

This is what the constitution of the United States of America says about our country. But is it really true? I believe the keyword is self-evident...

The constitution, it would seem, was not made straight off the top of the heads of our "forefathers". Instead, it would seem that it was created from a copy of yet another country's constitution. Our whole framework, social status, money, every damn thing, was created from the mirror concept of another country...

"Free at last, free at last... Thank God Almighty, I am free at last." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

But are we free? We get loans and grants in order to go to school or build things for work. We join organizations for lifetime networks and connections as well as to learn the "true". We give up some part of our freedom in order to succeed thru life. Freedom of choice? Is it really free? From day one, we were taught what was right and wrong in a morally disrupt society. Is that freedom?

Even some of the churchs, "the holy sanctuary" of the Lord; our God, have because corrupt. Some even teach false teachings not originally written by the Disciples, Jesus, and Moses. Hell...not even all of the original gospels are today's bible. What is wrong with people today?!

Lord, help us...thy sinful children of today for we truly know not what we do.... Bring us out of this damnation into your holy pasture. Forgive us for being human. Amen.

Freedom....Is this why so many have died? For a idea...a concept which wasn't truly realized and brought forth?

Things like these lead men and women like George Washington, Henry Arthur Callis, Medger Evers, and others for fight for what they believe in. Why? Because probably after they found out about the shit in today's society, they chose to fight for what they believed it. They probably felt as though it was the only pure, untainted thing they had. I understand now. So I know what I must do....

Ultimately, one must find what to believe in...be it true or fake. As long as it is true to them...it is true even if it was made up at the last minute. This is drives men to do courageous things......faith and hope. These are the truths of the world. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen..." It's in the bible....
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The [Mar. 17th, 2006|11:16 am]
That aint important...
[Current Mood |awake]
[Current Music |the humming of the computers in the computer lab]

I don't know why, but I consider everyone a potential enemy. It's like, my guard is up with everyone including those who I am the most close to. I mean, even in the Bible, it states that those who are not with you are against you. Am I paranoid?

My friends usually make up the people who I have went thru thick and thin with. Straight "Heaven or Hell"- type ordeal. They were there for me. And I was there for them. After going thru so much, I naturally consider them trustworthy. But what if they were just trying to survive and used you as a means of survival. This could be a tragic mistake. Think of it using this scenario as an example: AIDs sits in your body, asleep, awaiting for the time to come out when you are at your weakest point. Or better yet, it just waits for you to expose your weak spot(which to me is when you are at your weakest point). And then it attacks. You try to rally up your defenses. Some may succeed thru this. Others lose. Expose your weakness and your opponent will strike it instantly. Maybe this is why?

Personally I see my opponents as a way for me to develop into a better strategist. I know one adversary did an "all-out-attack" on me. Like an idiot, I tried to hold up against the force. Eventually though, I fell....HARD. I've learned that you should just avoid stuff like that. Let them waste there energy. Then you have two opinions: Counterattack while they are weak or walk away for your own safety. Some would even say that you should help them up....turn the other cheek for the opponent to go at. It's plenty of ways.

Anyway, gotta get ready for Jazz Lab. Then find a way to do this music for the parade tomorrow.
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Romance and the hopeless romantic [Mar. 14th, 2006|10:38 am]
That aint important...
[Current Mood |blank...]
[Current Music |Moonlight Sonata: Adagio sostenuto(the popular one)]

Romance is defined by Webster's dictionary as a love story or an emotional attraction and/or aura belonging to an especially heroic era, adventure, or activity. I think back to one of my previous relationships and realize for the 100th time that is was purely indulged in romance. From the way we kiss and made love to the very dying end, it was romance in every way. But, that's another story....

To me romance is a little more than just a love story. You have to be involved in it once before you can actually define what it truly is. I mean, it's different for everyone. Some say it's a flower given to you by a loved one. Others say it's staying true to the one you love till the end of your lives. Such a feeling is beyond words.

The music I'm listening to, Moonlight Sonata, some people have considered to be lament. For all you non musicians, that means they consider it a song played over the lost of a love one. Strangely enough, it sounds romantic to me. Exotic even. Do I have an odd taste for music or is it the fact that I can relate to the song? It's something about the song that draws an emotional I haven't felt in ages.... The "phorbidden sensation". It's like, I feel so sensual for some odd reason when I hear this song.

I associate the music I hear everyday with something going on in my life. "Aeris' Theme" I have associated with my childhood, pure and innocent. The good ol' days. "Duel of Fates" of the Star Wars : Episode I Soundtrack; I have associated that with the battle I know one day I will have that will decide the fate of those I love as well as myself and the world as we know it. No, it's not going to be some sword fighting. A battle can take the form of many challenges from just living to living with a disease. Anyway, back to what I was saying. The Moonlight Sonata, for some odd particular reason, I associate with making rich, pure, and untainted love with a mysterious, unknown woman. I am assuming that this is my soul mate. But after reading
an article on it, my view has been slightly shifted. It's crazy but I'm seeing vampires, immortal, bloodshed, and other nocturnal activities. Am I strange?
Anyway, gotta head to class.....
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The Pain of the Past [Feb. 20th, 2006|10:46 am]
That aint important...
[Current Mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[Current Music |Aeris' Theme, The Best Is Yet To Come]

It's nearly 11 o clock. I have jazz lab band at 12. However, I don't think I am in a state to even play today. You see, the sweet memories of the past have crept up on me. I tend to get emotional when this happens...no matter how much I fight it. It has come to make me accept the fact that I am "human". Allow me to explain.

The Best Is Yet to Come

This song was played throughout the video game known as Metal Gear Solid. I first remember playing it in 1997. Good game. A veteran single-handedly takes on terrorists with a nuclear weapon and comes out victorous. However, the memory of it included one of most painful parts of reality. It was also the time that my best friend's mother died of heart failure.
I remember going over his house with my father after a day at work. It was filled with sadness. Everyone was crying except me(pops didn't want me to know he was). It stroke hard and heavy because the funeral only made things worse. Although, my friend and his family moved on. But, not fully.
This song has always reminded me of life. The pleasures, pains, happy times, sorrow, and frustrations.... I remember sometimes I use to(and still do sometimes) cry when I heard this song. I put myself in my friend's place each and everytime.
The song is named The Best is yet to come, in my opinion, because the good part of life has yet to become the present. Thru the clouds and darkness, the light shines at the end. For there is a beginning and an end to everything....even the pleasant things.

Aeris' Theme(Aerith's Theme)

Final Fantasy VII....most possibly the best game ever made. This song belongs to one of it's charaters...Aeris(Aerith). The female-Christ prototype, Aeris is simple, beautifully made female character from which Cloud, the main character, falls in love with. Her personality is pure hearted and innocent. No games, no lies, no cheating....quite possibly the prototype of every man's ideal mate. She carries a great burden, like Christ, from which she must save mankind with one event. She gets killed midway thru the game by the sword(a samauri's katana)of the main character's "archrival"/alterego, Sephiroth. And, like Christ, she died to save mankind from it's mistake(Sephiroth as well as Mako...a manufactured type of the Earth's energy).
This song reminds me on my childhood. So pure...so simple. It was where I was sheltered from the taintedness of everyday life. It reminds me of where I came from and where I am going. I guess I could say it also reminds me of who I am, regardless of how much I may get caught up with the tainted ways to the society we know today. It reminds me of the pure things I still have left...my memories...my heart...my word...my honor...me...

O Lord, thank you for reminding me of who I am. Give me the strength to carry out Your Will. Forgive me for being human. Take away the pain, the sorrow,the doubts. Most importantly, take away the loneliness... Where is She? I am so Incomplete. Half of me has been missing for 21(going on 22 on Feb. 28) years now. Hmmm.. Maybe not in this lifetime. Or maybe right under my nose. Show me the Way, Lord. Thank you in advance.
In your Son's name, I pray.
Amen.

I must survive. Otherwise, my type(the "good man" or "gentleman" or whatever the hell my stereotype is...) will die out. Without people like this, the world would probably end. My mother's and father's efforts to raise a distinct gentleman would have failed. Everyone who pushed me this far...I would have failed them. Those who died entrusting me to the future..... Seems as though I will have to go back to the days of studying nin-po, saminjitsu, and the art of invisiblity. Somehow, I must survive....despite my obstacles. But how...? I guess just do my best.
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